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werd. [
updated on August 6th,2010 ;; 08PM
[ mood | complacent ]

I like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite new a thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
I like your body. I like what it does,
I like its hows. I like to feel the spine
...of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smoothness and which I will
again and again and again
kiss, I like kissing this and that of you,
I like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh ... And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly I like the thrill
of under me you so quite new

- E.E Cummings

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updated on December 24th,2009 ;; 07AM
"It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible place, but for three years, I had roses, and apologized to no one. I shall die here. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An Inch, it is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing the world worth having. We must never lose it or give it away. We must never let them take it from us. I hope that whoever you are, you escape this place. I hope that the world turns and that things get better. But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you. I love you. With all my heart, I love you."
-Valerie, "V for Vendetta"

"Why should they ask me to put on a uniform and go 10,000 miles from home and drop bombs and bullets on Brown people in Vietnam while so-called Negro people in Louisville are treated like dogs and denied simple human rights? No I’m not going 10,000 miles from home to help murder and burn another poor nation simply to continue the domination of white slave masters of the darker people the world over. This is the day when such evils must come to an end. I have been warned that to take such a stand would cost me millions of dollars. But I have said it once and I will say it again. The real enemy of my people is here. I will not disgrace my religion, my people or myself by becoming a tool to enslave those who are fighting for their own justice, freedom and equality.… If I thought the war was going to bring freedom and equality to 22 million of my people they wouldn’t have to draft me, I’d join tomorrow. I have nothing to lose by standing up for my beliefs. So I’ll go to jail, so what? We’ve been in jail for 400 years."
-Muhammad Ali on protesting the draft
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whateva [
updated on November 30th,2009 ;; 02PM
Here’s the deal: put your playlist on shuffle and use the first ten songs that come up. Write down the first thing that comes to mind with each song.

1. High Drama - Mos Def

- Magers looks like Mos Def ( :

2. Cross That Line - Little Brother

- Frank from Seattle showed me Little Brother ( :

3. Cleavage - Kool Keith

- Saw him live and met him at HOH fest

4. Beef Rapp - MF Doom

- Thanks for the MF Doom mask, Rahim !

5. Electric Relaxation - A Tribe Called Quest

- Magers loves ATCQ almost as mush as me < 3

6. Crosshairs - DangerDoom

- DJ seshs with Rahim during early mornings at his house ( :

7. Outro - Souls of Mischief

- Del is playin a show this Friday !!!

8. Model Android #406 - Ultramagnetic MC's

- Walkin around USF...

9. the Car Bomb - Dr. Dre

- Blastin Dre at my party

10. Hater Players - Black Star

- Regulators !!!
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you& i, [
updated on November 12th,2009 ;; 01AM
"we are like hunting dogs with a highly developed scent for events which are tragic in general."

-benno fischer
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feelin good, feelin great [
updated on November 11th,2009 ;; 01PM
+ i haven't fucked up at work
+ i get good hours
+ hot dudes hit on me at work
+ my fake id works at fox& hounds bar
+ i got a mac and i new ipod
+ still haven't bought a pack of cigarettes in over 2 weeks... maybe 3

- i'm still stressed about getting slammed at work... my dad has told me my whole life that my disorder will prevent me from succeeding in this industry... but i must remain confident.
- i keep skipping environmental science and astronomy !!!

magers and i are definitely dating... but he makes me feel fat. i don't know if it's just me or not, but he has an 8-pack... and i have the whole keg. perhaps i'm just being self conscious, or perhaps he notices. it's hard to exercise regularly when you work 6 hour shifts 4 times a week and go to school for 10 hours twice a week. also, he needs to get a job... and a car. and i wish he was in school. i guess he's not perfect but i'm not taking it too seriously...

is it bad that my boss said to me, "wana go for a fuck and a pizza?"
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updated on October 13th,2009 ;; 06PM

+i get over $6000 a semester
+i got a new job as a server in a seafood restaurant
+i'm doing well in all my classes
+i feel as though i've really gotten to know myself
+i am more responsible than ever before

give me until the summer to save my money and I WILL BE LIVING ON MY OWN IN TALLAHASSEE !
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updated on September 29th,2009 ;; 09PM
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Professor Troi's 3 keys to happiness... [
updated on September 29th,2009 ;; 08PM
" you know how people always have some kind of a problem that doesn't effect you in anyway. This leads into rule no.1 NOT YOUR PROBLEM!! this rule will save you from drama and all the little high school bullshit. If someone is like( hey who drank my last beer) and you drank it but no one knows you drank it but your keeping your sweet little mouth shut then that guy gets really mad but he's an asshole anyway. Ladies and gentlemen say it with meee!!!!! NOT YOUR PROBLEM!!!!

Now rule no.2 is LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!! If you have a friend thats all pissed of cause you didnt call him to come over for this bad ass party with free food and beer but the week before he didnt ask you to go on a sweet boat trip to go fishing or something cool like that and he or she is like( hey man you forgot to call me about that party) you quickly respond( ooohhh shit sorry man i was LIVING MY LIFE!!!! like a champ but thanks for inviting me on the boat trip the week before) ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! it stings a little but its the truth and thats how you find true fucking friends. And if he starts giving you shit just walk away and say it out loud NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!

Finally rule no.3 DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!! theres no expatiation just do it cause you have already gain the friends that are great for you to support what you wanna do.

try this for a week and hit me up.
please repost."
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lay off the sauce [
updated on September 29th,2009 ;; 04AM
my little brother told me that Bren died on september 11th... for those of you who don't know her by name, she is that crazy roommate that lived at my house for about 7-8 months. we found her off craigslist, and at first she seemed normal, but then we realized she was an unbelieveable alcoholic. the reason she had a potbelly was not because of her diet, but because her liver had expanded so much. it hurts me that the last thing i said to her was cruel... i feel bad that the last time she saw my family we were so mean... but she didn't pay us rent for months on end and we had to get rid of her somehow. it costs over $300 to evict someone ! anyhow, rest in peace Bren. i'm sorry we couldn't help you...
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Politics and the English Language [
updated on September 22nd,2009 ;; 04PM
"If words like BLACK and WHITE were involved, instead of the
jargon words DEAD and LIVING, he would see at once that language was
being used in an improper way. Many political words are similarly abused.
The word FASCISM has now no meaning except in so far as it signifies
"something not desirable." The words DEMOCRACY, SOCIALISM, FREEDOM,
PATRIOTIC, REALISTIC, JUSTICE, have each of them several different
meanings which cannot be reconciled with one another. In the case of a
word like DEMOCRACY, not only is there no agreed definition, but the
attempt to make one is resisted from all sides. It is almost universally
felt that when we call a country democratic we are praising it:
consequently the defenders of every kind of régime claim that it is a
democracy, and fear that they might have to stop using the word if it
were tied down to any one meaning. Words of this kind are often used in a
consciously dishonest way. That is, the person who uses them has his own
private definition, but allows his hearer to think he means something
quite different."

--George Orwell
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a couple of interesting things i've learned this week: [
updated on August 28th,2009 ;; 02PM
-"To all of you uneducated masses who think Obama is socialist, you need to do some research.

that pretty $781 BILLION "bail-out plan," which you all seem to have completely forgotten, was written up by the Secretary of Treasury WHILE BUSH WAS STILL IN OFFICE.
Now, you may be asking yourself, who is the Secretary of Treasury? THIS IS THE BEST PART ! His name is Henry Paulson and George Bush appointed him to this position in 2006. You may also be happy to know, that Henry Paulson is CEO of a HUGE investing firm known as Goldman Sachs ! And guess which company stood to gain $12.9 BILLION in the "bail-out plan?" NONE OTHER THAN GOLDMAN SACHS.
Don't worry kiddies, I'm sure there's a perfectly good explanation for Georgie Porgie to appoint a CEO in an investing firm as Treasurer. Absolutely no conflict of interest at all !
Now, back to socialism, under Bush's last term, under this "bail-out plan," banks and investing firms and so forth were FORCED to accept the government "bail-out" money, or face the consequences. The government then forced these companies to give them detailed financials statements so that they could control where the money was going. They demanded the money to be used in the ways they saw fit, and when things like bonuses were given out, they were pissed. This money was supposed to be traded amongst the banks, but because no one trusted each other's statements, that HUGE SUM OF MONEY HAS ENTIRELY DISAPPEARED AND NONE OF YOU ARE ASKING QUESTIONS.
Which bring me to my conclusion; where have you seen the Obama administration sticking their nose in other people's business ? Where have you seen them taking control of the public sector and telling businesses how they should run ? Seriously. I would love to hear it.



-"the farther you look into space, the further back you're looking into time."
this is because it takes time for light to reach the Earth. it takes 8mins just for sunlight to reach us. therefore, we could be looking at a star that has really been dead for years, but because it's so far away, the last of it's light is still traveling through space.

and other stuffs.
oh, and my dad is filing for bankruptcy.
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you've been served. [
updated on August 24th,2009 ;; 10AM
at 10 o'clock this morning, i heard a knock at the door. with my harry potter sheets wrapped around my half naked body, i opened the door. a tall, intimidating, unfamiliar black man stood before me. i noticed he was driving a prius. i figured that he was working for teco, or some company trying to make profit, and that i had no reason to worry.
i was wrong.
he told me he was a process server and he had some legal documents for william nichols; was he home? i said no. he asked my age, i said 17. he asked me a series of seemingly random questions, and i answered. i tried to avoid the final step at all costs. thoughts of lying, hiding, even argumentation were running through my mind. i've seen process servers in movies; i know who they are and what they do. eventually, he handed over the documents, which i handed over to my dad. i asked him what these strange papers were for, and he replied, people want their money. i wasn't confused by this answer, but i didn't want to accept the reality of my father's financial situation. i asked him what he was going to do, and he said, tell the judge i can't pay this.

we are losing the house.
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let's get right down to the real nitty gritty now ! [
updated on August 24th,2009 ;; 10AM
it's "croosh."

i start school on tuesday and i'm loaded down with 12 hours of classes. i needly to be thinking my clearest in these coming days. that doesn't mean i won't enjoy some relaxing ganja(; but i will not miss class for pointless hangovers and inexcusable laziness. on tuesdays and thursday i attend classes from 12:30 pm to 9 pm. i like have spare time to work and chill out througout the week. thank goodness i have internet access at home, otherwise i would be screwed.

because my dad and i have such a poor relationship, he is no longer helping me get around. this would not be a problem if this part of the county had more efficient public transportation, but sadly, this is not so. thankfully, i have made good friends recently who are willing to aid me during this rough transition. and also, i have found the motivation to put forth some serious effort toward rectifying the mistakes i have recently made. i feel exhausted, but stronger.

so, my friend jessi will drive me to school on tuesdays, then i will ride the bus back to jason's, stay there until thursday, ride the bus there and back again, and then jessi will pick me up and take me home. i have configured that this is the most inexpensive route to take. the bus is free for usf students : D and i will be grateful for all the exercise. also, i will get to see tyler more often<3 because he lives much closer to usf than riverview.
i hope it doesn't take long for my financial aid to come in, considering my dad said he would no longer let me use his car. i don't think i can afford to pay gas money to get to school and work. i usually barely make more than $100 a week. but when the financial aid comes in, i'm getting around $3,000, and this number does not even include loans ! i don't have to pay a single dollar bill of that money back !

i refuse to take my opportunities for granted ever again !

(but, seriously, i need a new job)
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updated on August 23rd,2009 ;; 02AM
[ mood | ON A SWARM ]

why are people always trying to kill me in my dreams ??

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this armistice... [
updated on August 18th,2009 ;; 04AM
[ mood | crushed ]

they share the same blood, but they reject one another. their reflections fit like a tesselation, yet there is chaos in their pattern. they share shelter, yet this house is not a home. the evil has been overthrown, yet this duo is still in turmoil. where is the harmony; the unity ? have we forgotten the definition of peace throughout these years of discord ? have we grown so accostumed to the negativity that we've allowed this parasite to live within us ? or was it an internal battle, where the good unconsciously lost ? were we too weak ? were we too apathetic ? was is easier to conform ?

the sheer, unadultered rage that flew from your fists and your mouth critically injured me. not in a physical way, no, the blows were corporeally futile, but emotionally, it transported me to those days long ago. those days you easily forgot... i understand you need to block out the bad because it can take over your train of thought without warning, but you also failed to remember all the times i withstood the blows of goliath for you. and i know i haven't been good to you. i know i've been mean, cruel, and even malevolent, but your unfailing temporary insanity takes the cake. you know all the buttons to press, just as mother did. it seems a tad ironic that you never met her, yet you possess all of her less desirable qualities, and still daddy says that i am the one who will follow in her inebriated footsteps.

i sat outside your room while you were crying. you were sobbing about how you have friends, and then about how you truly do want friends, and then that you just wanted more than one. you sobbed, asking whatever god you believe in why you can't simply be like everyone else. you sobbed that you wished you were dead, and you sobbed this repeatedly. i sat outside your room and flooded the tile hallway with tears. i had brought you to the cliff where she had nearly pushed me off. i had caused you such dispair that you questioned the value of your life, and i'm sorry. i'm so sorry...

and then i heard you curse my name.
i heard you wish i was dead.
i heard you wish me to be raped.
i heard you wish to murder me.
and i cried hardest of all.

i cried for all the times we've felt inadequate because the people whom surround us don't know how to deal with their emotions. i cried for the time dad kicked you repeatedly in the stomach. i cried for when i saw you disgustedly wipe the place mom kissed you on the cheek. i cried for when michele locked you in bedroom and you screamed like a helpless child in a horror film. i cried for the molestation, and how it's left your childhood and adolescence in tattered ruins.
but most of all, i cried for our broken hearts, and the seemingly impossible task of rehabilitation for our damaged existences...

i love you, but because of our unstable and utterly inappropriate developments, i don't correctly portray the role of a loving sister. i am no marsha fucking brady. i am lost, confused, and depressed most of the time, and i take it out on you. one day i hope you understand that it's not your fault, that there's nothing wrong with you, but that the idea of "family" was lost to me a long, long time ago. when a father failed to testify against the sinner whom acted out those trangressions upon you, a part of me died inside. the harder i fought for the right, the more i was pushed toward an opposite route. the route didn't necessarily represent the wrong, but even worse, the indifferent. when daddy said i would never see you again, i knew that the war was over. i had to replace my armed tank with a more supervisory post. if nothing else, PLEASE understand that i did this so i could make sure nothing bad EVER happened to you again.

i should have known it was too late.

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you should check out [
updated on August 13th,2009 ;; 07PM
Yeondoo Jung's "Wonderland" collection.

oh, and i'm feeling better.
i get by with a little help from my friends<3

i hope i get this job at border's !
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updated on August 11th,2009 ;; 04PM



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updated on August 10th,2009 ;; 04PM
there's this new Subway commercial that has this song, "Thank You for Letting Me Be Myself," and it pictures Jared eating at Subway, and everything around Jared is advertising Michael Phelps. Recently, a picture of Michael Phelps smoking weed leaked to the media, and many of his sponsers were dropping him, blaming it on poor publicity. To my delight, Subway is supporting him !

: D : D : D : D : D

p.s.s. i'm seriously considering a browlift
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soundtrack to my life at this moment: [
updated on August 9th,2009 ;; 10PM
this song makes me smile(:

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<3 [
updated on August 9th,2009 ;; 05PM
went canoeing with tyler, niko, and bree today. so much fun((:

+nature trails
+winning the canoe race
+wooden suspension bridges
+people watching at Big Top
+3$ National Geographic book
+peanut butter and banana sammiches
+swimming in my pool
<3tyler RADford

-work 530-930

i'm seriously enamored...
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