they share the same blood, but they reject one another. their reflections fit like a tesselation, yet there is chaos in their pattern. they share shelter, yet this house is not a home. the evil has been overthrown, yet this duo is still in turmoil. where is the harmony; the unity ? have we forgotten the definition of peace throughout these years of discord ? have we grown so accostumed to the negativity that we've allowed this parasite to live within us ? or was it an internal battle, where the good unconsciously lost ? were we too weak ? were we too apathetic ? was is easier to conform ?
the sheer, unadultered rage that flew from your fists and your mouth critically injured me. not in a physical way, no, the blows were corporeally futile, but emotionally, it transported me to those days long ago. those days you easily forgot... i understand you need to block out the bad because it can take over your train of thought without warning, but you also failed to remember all the times i withstood the blows of goliath for you. and i know i haven't been good to you. i know i've been mean, cruel, and even malevolent, but your unfailing temporary insanity takes the cake. you know all the buttons to press, just as mother did. it seems a tad ironic that you never met her, yet you possess all of her less desirable qualities, and still daddy says that i am the one who will follow in her inebriated footsteps.
i sat outside your room while you were crying. you were sobbing about how you have friends, and then about how you truly do want friends, and then that you just wanted more than one. you sobbed, asking whatever god you believe in why you can't simply be like everyone else. you sobbed that you wished you were dead, and you sobbed this repeatedly. i sat outside your room and flooded the tile hallway with tears. i had brought you to the cliff where she had nearly pushed me off. i had caused you such dispair that you questioned the value of your life, and i'm sorry. i'm so sorry...
and then i heard you curse my name.
i heard you wish i was dead.
i heard you wish me to be raped.
i heard you wish to murder me.
and i cried hardest of all.
i cried for all the times we've felt inadequate because the people whom surround us don't know how to deal with their emotions. i cried for the time dad kicked you repeatedly in the stomach. i cried for when i saw you disgustedly wipe the place mom kissed you on the cheek. i cried for when michele locked you in bedroom and you screamed like a helpless child in a horror film. i cried for the molestation, and how it's left your childhood and adolescence in tattered ruins.
but most of all, i cried for our broken hearts, and the seemingly impossible task of rehabilitation for our damaged existences...
i love you, but because of our unstable and utterly inappropriate developments, i don't correctly portray the role of a loving sister. i am no marsha fucking brady. i am lost, confused, and depressed most of the time, and i take it out on you. one day i hope you understand that it's not your fault, that there's nothing wrong with you, but that the idea of "family" was lost to me a long, long time ago. when a father failed to testify against the sinner whom acted out those trangressions upon you, a part of me died inside. the harder i fought for the right, the more i was pushed toward an opposite route. the route didn't necessarily represent the wrong, but even worse, the indifferent. when daddy said i would never see you again, i knew that the war was over. i had to replace my armed tank with a more supervisory post. if nothing else, PLEASE understand that i did this so i could make sure nothing bad EVER happened to you again.
i should have known it was too late.